Saturday, March 20, 2010

Burnt Sienna

Lately writing seems like I am constantly outing myself. Perhaps that's what writing is. It keeps me honest, always posing the question, "will you tell the truth?"

I love this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "a woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."

Standing in the kitchen yesterday I realized that I waste so much time and energy with thoughts, feelings, and attitudes that help no one. Least of all, me. Silly things like feeling guilty for not being around when I think people might need me or being annoyed at the man I love for chomping his fruit loops SO loud while I'm trying to concentrate. Things like beating myself up for not saying enough, or saying too much, being impatient, hurt, angry, wounded, dwelling on some hurtful thing someone has said or disapproving look they flashed my way, wondering if I'll do a good enough job, worrying about the money of it whatever it is, doubting. Questioning if I'm good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, talented enough, enough, enough, enough. It makes me want to scream, all the time I waste. It's all so... about me. Like the hole in my tooth that my tongue keeps going back to, I just keep doing it over and over again. And so I ask myself who is this helping? No one. There is so much good to be done and we have so little time. Why do I waste so much of it with myself, all up in my head?

I've been dipped in plenty of hot water in my life thus far and right now it's the international move test. My true colors are shining through. Some are brilliant colors and others are dull and yucky, like Burnt Sienna. The color no one wants to use in the box of Crayolas. Today, I find myself thankful God made a way for us to move and be where we stand, away from all things familiar. And I'm grateful for turning point days like today when...

peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

A day like this makes me want to be Jazzberry Jam, Indigo, Granny Smith Apple and Laser Lemon. Coloring the world I see with light, cheer, inspiration and goodness. To be found wanting for nothing with strength like a tea bag in hot water.

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