I don't think I can forget our 8th anniversary one year ago this October. Brooks had just resigned from his church job and we decided to get away for the weekend. I found this little cabin on a Christmas tree farm tucked away in Washington Missouri. We spent the first half of the trip fighting. We were exhausted from all the emotional trauma that came with being on a church staff through some heavy storms and the toll it took on us. The world as we had known it had sort of crumbled around us. The second half we spent making up and rediscovering the fact that we are desperately in love.
The part I'm recalling now, a year later, was our conversation around this dinner table. We usually talk about the future and the unknown of ours was very real. As we ate our frozen pizza dinner in our pajamas I remember saying something like "I wonder what will become of us? I see a great opportunity to spread our wings - to go and do - to listen for God - go on mission, join the Peace Corps - the sky's the limit. Or we could have a wonderful life, a great family and be where we are. I wonder what we will choose?" I don't feel now that we chose anything or that one is better than the other. This adventure seems to have chosen us in a way. A great gift that we would not have dreamed a year ago and if I were pregnant right now I'd probably have the exact same feelings I have about moving to Australia. Excited, nervous, scared, unknown, world overturned, chaos, peace, joy.
For me, it takes a grand amount of bravery to leave behind what I know and love for the unknown that lies in wait. And somehow in the deepest parts of me I am the happiest I have ever been in life. At random times throughout the day for weeks now I have been overcome with joy, peace, contentment and satisfaction. Wanting for nothing. We've been shopping a few times and I just walk around not even interested. Nothing I need to make me happy or feel better. These are wonderful words to be typing and unexpected from a year ago. Much has changed, much has happened, much has been learned and broken places healed. My heart and my head are different and better. I see things in new ways. I actually like myself. I think about the person I am and if I were someone else, I would like me. I can actually say I love myself. Not in an arrogant way, just a love your neighbor as yourself understanding sort of way. It feels good to be at peace within yourself and with others.
If the person I was a year ago had known we would be moving to another country in a year, she would have gone mad. I'm pretty sure a hospital would have been involved. But God knows what to give and when to give it, what to take and when to take it. I am amazed at what can and has happened in a year and it is good. I am rich beyond measure and money has absolutely nothing to do with it.